A Woman’s Place Response
If any of you are regular readers of my blog, then you probably have read my Where is a Woman’s Place post and know how I feel about it. I received a comment from anonymous shown below. My response is below the comment.
I get so sick of women who stay at home trying to justify their existence by touring that the world would be a better place if all women followed in their footsteps. What a bunch of garbage. Let me paint a picture of them good ol’ days when women actually did stay at home. I’ll even give you a true story about my own grandmother.
She was a pastors daughter and married my grandfather whom she met in college. My great grandfather only paid for her to go to college for one year because he felt it was a significant enough amount of time for her to land a husband - and she did. My grandfather cheated on her from the onset of their marriage and she had no escape from it as she had 4 children and no job skills other than those a maid would have. She was miserable the rest of her life until she died. My great aunt was in a similar situation. She wanted to be a Pediatrician - loved children - but my uncle didn’t want her any place but under his control. It was a relief to her when he died after 20 or so years of marriage.
I am a mother of 2 fantastic kids. I work fulltime and make a great living and so does my husband. In fact, I don’t have to work. But I do because I enjoy the financial freedom, the work itself, making worthwhile contributions to society and for the security knowing that if god forbid something ever happened to my husband, I wouldn’t be whoring myself trying to scratch out a living to support my children.
I find it amusing that people (men especially) are trying to push so hard the “beauty” of motherhood and that rah rah rah and how important it is to stay at home with kids. Well, if it’s so very honorable and important, they can get off their butt and stay home with their own kids and give up their careers, hopes, dreams, ambitions and otherwise lives. They can trade it all in for raising children.
I somehow think it’s better for BOTH parents to be equal custodians of the children they created together and demonstrate how important it is to be able to take care on oneself by both parents holding down jobs. And no, my kids aren’t in daycare (which there is nothing wrong with). I work days and my husband works nights so we both participate in the raising of our children.
Men get an automatic station of priveledge in life. They get to make a way for themselves, realize their hopes and dreams, have a wife and kids with minimal personal and career sacrifice. Women get the drudgery. I for one will not sit by quietly and accept my “position” in life. I made something of myself. And my children are going to be better for it.
Lilith
Dear Lilith,
There are ALWAYS options. Your grandmother didn’t have to stay with her husband. That was HER choice. Maybe if being a maid was her only other option, the she should have chose that instead of living miserably with a cheater until the end.
Your aunt had the same choices in life as well. Here’s MY example: My mom was beaten for years and finally made the CHOICE to leave. She worked at several jobs, we lived from place to place, and she dropped out of high school early on so had little education. She sure didn’t have the luxury to attend college for any length of time, BUT despite all this, she made a life for herself and her children and lives happily today.
I’m glad you don’t have to work, neither do I. I CHOOSE to stay home. And if something happens to my husband, we will be OK because we took all the necessary financial precautions.
I never said that both parents shouldn’t have equal responsibility in raising the children-I just think we were given the ability to birth a child so that makes us women the natural nurturer. I don’t think men (in general) can raise kids like a woman can.
Yes, I do agree that men ARE privileged in life. We can sit back and watch or we can make a name for ourselves. Just because I don’t work doesn’t mean I didn’t’ make something of myself by the way. In my friends, family, husband, and kids eyes I am someone special who they know they can depend for anything! And that means more to me than what a boss or co-workers think of me.
The original article was great and your response to the comment was great. You have a very good perspective.
YOUR LINK TO B MONEY SAVVY IN THE SIDEBAR has an error. There is an extra apostrophe in the address so it is broken.
Thank Cman! And thanks for the heads up on my link. Did you notice my label cloud;)???
Wow. Pretty heavy reading. Of course, I started with the original post, which I found by accident when I was clicking through some mom blog links, which proves your points about increasing readership.
Anyway, I agree with you both. Sometimes I wish I could afford to stay home with my children, but they are in school all day anyway. I stayed home one year. It was extremely difficult financially, and I was probably busier then than I am now. But, it was wonderful! I would love to do that. On the other hand, I enjoy my job, most of the time, and I work the same hours that my kids are in school, so I don’t miss out on any time with them. I like the financial freedom and the independence of having a job. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat it, too. I read your post, and I’m thinking, “yeah!” I read Lillith’s response, and I’m thinking, “yeah!” Every point you both made was valid. I think being a SAHM or a full-time-working-outside-the-home mom depends on your personality, needs, and beliefs. Anyway, I’m enjoying your blog.
I may have to post something on my blog now that I’m thinking about this. If I do, I’d like to link back to your original article if that would be okay. I’m about to RSS your blog now. Thanks.
Forgetfulones last blog post..Winner!
You are so right. hat lady can’t blame “staying home” for the horrible situations she described. Why not blame it on red hair or oily skin? I totally agree that women have a special gift for creating an environment of “home” where families can relax. Hanging pictures on the wall, choosing decorator colors, preparing nourishing meals and guiding children through play and conversations are skills that women have and men don’t. Every family deserves a stay-home-mom to run the show. It’s a huge job. During times when I’ve had to work, my time at home was far less effective for the same reasons you’ve described in your previous post. I gave it all at work, I’d come home with nothing to talk about except “what happened at work” and not nearly enough energy to listen to the children or keep a home.
I disagree about equal responsibilities in child rearing, too. I know so many women whose husbands come home from work and don’t even get a minute to take their shoes off and relax without being handed a stinky baby so mom can finish making dinner.
I am sure that if more families would declare the home life important and assign someone (dads can be housewives, too) to the task of making a home, then more families would be happier.
Lisa Russell has 6 daughterss last blog post..WW- Apparently it’s a fishing thing
You know, these judgemental sort of remarks always used to make me mad. Who are you to presume to know what is right for everyone else? But the fact is that you’ve embraced your role so fully that you think it’s the best thing for everyone else. It’s a narrow view point, but we’re all allowed to have our own opinions and it’s nice to see that you’re happy with the choices you’ve made. I’d just suggest that you do a little more homework before proclaiming that because you’re able to live on $800 a month (as mentioned in a comment on another blog), everyone can do it. You cannot live on $800 a month in my part of the country with children and a car and not receive government assistance to do it. It doesn’t matter how frugal you are. A two bedroom apartment that’s infested with roaches in a not-so-safe neighborhood will cost you that much.
My mom worked when I was growing up. She was a single parent for awhile, but she worked even after she remarried. And I’m going to make a bold statement now… I’m glad that she worked rather than stayed home with us. There are a bunch of reasons… 1) it taught me that I can be who I want to be and that “wife and mother” isn’t the only label I can claim, 2) it gave her time to recharge her batteries, stimulate her creativity and grow as a person so that when she was with us, she was really with us, 3) we didn’t have much extra early on because she really needed to work to meet expenses, but it did afford us a vacation once a year and occasional extras. As it turns out, I’m a happy, healthy, intelligent adult… it didn’t require me to be glued to my mother’s side. I ended up with a strong moral compass even though I was in *gasp* daycare. And I have had the opportunity to see more than just the little slice of the world where I grew up. Oh, and most importantly, I got to meet lots of different people who have made lots of different lifestyle choices so I know that there isn’t one “right” answer. I don’t feel the need to judge other people in the decisions they make. See? Having a working mom isn’t so bad after all. And if you ask my dad, he never once felt neglected. Turns out that he finds a woman with a career to be interesting.
As for my own family and career choices, I’ll leave that as a mystery. It’s not really anyone else’s business but mine.
I’ve said this many times.
There are always exceptions and it would make things much easier if people wouldn’t assume this or that or judge like you are doing.
You don’t know what my husband thinks nor did I say in either article how he feels. These are my opinions on what I think.
For the record, he would love me to work, get out on the weekends wit the women that have asked me but I CHOOSE not to because I feel it’s MY job to take care of the family….I WANT to stay home. I feel if more mothers stayed home to be mothers, maybe the kids today wouldn’t be going around shooting kids among many other things.
Please don’t assume you know everything about me based on this one article.
Interesting - love reading these sorts of debates.
What I do find so fascinating is where you say, “I feel if more mothers stayed home to be mothers, maybe the kids today wouldn’t be going around shooting kids among many other things.”
Just wanted to ask, in your opinion, can you replace ‘mother’ in that sentence with ‘father’? I personally believe it would be lovely if one half of a couple could stay at home with the children until school age, but to me it doesn’t matter if that is the father or the mother. In fact, I’d be horrified if the person I chose to be the father of my children could not fulfil the nurturing role of a parent, or felt it was my job.
Conversely, I do not feel I have exclusive rights to being the stay at home parent just because I am the woman, or that it is my job, or my role.
Just my opinion, not having a go at anyone!