A Question from a Reader–Serious comments only
I received an email today with the following dilemma in need of advice…
I have been with this man for 3 yrs now. Things haven’t always been peachy, but whos relationship is. He asked me to marry him……but he has a thing with talking to other women on the computer and telling them that he is single and stuff. He stopped flattering me or even trying and started flattering all of these beautiful girls he meets online. What should I do? I try talking to him and he says I’m making more of it than it is. But I read some of the messages. It broke my heart. He tries to hide it and that only makes it more obvious.
There is so much more to the story, but I just dont know how to deal with this part of it.
Thank You So Much,
(troubled by her cowboy)
Before any of you leave a comment, please remember that kids are probably involve. Please don’t just say things like leave him either… Some sound advice on WHY she should do this or that, would be appreciated.
Note: She didn’t ask me to post this but I did ask if I could. I thought it would benefit her to turn this question over to my readers. Since I have a LARGE female audience, I think this may be very helpful. I hope that any men who read my blog, will also put their 2 cents in on what this man is really up to.
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She’s right that every relationship has its ups and downs. No one but her can outright say one way or the other either. I do believe in following your heart AND compromise. I think she needs to ask herself how important this issue really is to her and/or the kids (if there are any). There are so many questions that spring to mind, like can she trust him to not act on these impulses, and such. Kids or no kids though I don’t believe any woman should ’settle’ for lack of a better word. I don’t have a cowboy, but a soldier now and I know he goes out of his way to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world which makes me respect myself more. But, it wasn’t always that way… once I had a cowboy with a wandering eye and it brought a lot of heartache to us both. So, the ultimate question is hers to answer after she explores her own heart and circumstances.
Hi. I think she should leave him… why? Because she deserves to be treated better than that. I’ve been in a bad relationship b4 (verbal abuse) and I’ve learned from my mistake. It was a hard 2 yrs and I still have scars that I may never get over. If there are kids involved, then she definitely needs to leave. I think if he’s hiding it then he knows that it is wrong and he’s overstepping the line… why else would he hide it? It can only get worse and it isn’t harmless. I watched an episode w/Dr. PHil on that and the guys didn’t know how much it hurt their spouses or how bad it made them feel. He might need to seek psychological help for that. Esp. if he’s telling them he’s single. Little lies only lead to bigger lies in my opinion.
Good luck and please stay strong and true to yourself. Don’t be afraid to go it alone, it’s better than being in a relationship w/a man who doesn’t appreciate you and treat you with respect and dignity like you deserve!
Hugs… Bobbie
Bobbie’s last blog post..What Does My Name Mean?
Newer reader here. First, I love your blog.
Second, the response.
As wife, mother, and counselor I have always believed that we choose what we live with. Ask yourself what you want and if what you’re doing is working. From her tone, it doesn’t sound like it is. You cannot change anyone but yourself.
Would you be okay with him hitting up pretty girls in person, in front of you? Why is a computer different? Actions speak louder than words and his don’t reflect commitment. Based on that, kids or not, it may be better to count your losses now rather than later.
jae’s last blog post..Weird
I am thinking 2 things, he is bored and maybe we aren’t hearing both sides. If there are kids involved maybe he feels trapped with this girl and thinks he should marry her, yet he doesn’t really want to. If that is the case, it’s not always best to stay for the kids. She will be even more miserable.
I think that she should talk to him, possibly with the help of a clergy person, or family member present. Confront that fact that she knows about what he is doing and ask him why. If no one is happy, if he doesn’t want to work on it, then she really needs to try and find what will make her happy. Find a man that really cares…sounds scary but she needs to.
The other thought is the possibility of these *girls* being just that and young girls. Is he a predator? Seriously, why is he online talking to them? That makes me a lil scared too.
Good luck
Katie Skiff’s last blog post..{Papertrey Ink}
wow… that is really tough. I know a lot of women who struggle with similar issues in their marriages. Things like husbands who look at pornography on the internet. I think talking to other women online is probably similar for this man. I would suggest holding off on getting married until she can get some counselling. If her man is unwilling to go for counselling with her than perhaps she should go on her own just too deal with some of the feelings of betrayal. If they can’t afford counselling than perhaps they could find a minister/clergy or a counsellor through a social services agency who would meet with her/them for free? I also know there are a lot of online support groups for women dealing with similar issues. I encourage her to search out some support.
tough situation for certain. My prayers are with her.
Tara’s last blog post..I have a NEW LOOK!
Can’t really think of a scenario in which I would stay with him. Unfaithful is unfaithful and it happens in the heart and mind as much as it does with the body. If he were willing to admit that it is a problem and work on changing it, then I would consider staying, but it doesn’t really sound like he is willing to do that. Quite the contrary, he is belittling her very reasonable reaction to his behavior and lying about it to boot. He is not interesting in protecting her feelings or dignity and he will always make her feel badly about herself. And he is the kind of person who toys with other people without having to put himself at risk at all. He is no doubt lying to the women he is talking with online. What could possibly make someone want to stay with him? And if there are kids involved, that argues even more strongly for ditching him. He is setting a terrible example if the kids are boys and if they are girls, she is teaching them that is it ok to allow men to treat women this way. Ugh.
dlyn’s last blog post..An Interview
I hate quoting Dr. Phil, but here is a case where what he said rings true. “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”. If he is pulling this crap now, it will only get worse. If she doesn’t want to leave him (Because I personally consider this a form of cheating if he is flirting with other women online), they definitely need to go to counseling. If he won’t’ go, she needs to go by herself to find out why she would put up with crap like that. I have been with my hubby for 12 years and he knows his butt would be kicked to the curb if he pulled anything like that here.
Lisa’s last blog post..Who Blew Up My Hard Drive?
You hit the nail on the head ~ there are two sides to every story. The key is to find the middle and see if compromise can be achieved.
This is my first time here, but after reading this, I feel compelled to comment. I was in a similar relationship. My ex promised things would change, that he loved me, asked me not to make a big deal out of little things. Well, I repeatedly forgave, things got continuously worse…he lied and hid things and yes it was hurtful. Eventually I realized that he would never respect me and treat me differently unless I respected myself, and that by staying in that relationship, I wasn’t showing any respect for myself. I left and calmly explained why. Things are so much better now. I’m happy. The ironic thing is now my ex is treating me differently and wants back in my life. Thing is, I’m no longer interested in being in what is essentially an abusive relationship. Besides, I’ve found out that there are a lot of really nice guys out there who are interested in me. Thing is, no one will treat me poorly as I no longer allow it to happen. Best of luck with that situation.
Carla’s last blog post..Thin Ice
Even with children, she should be making plans to leave. Yes, she needs to get her plans in order, but she needs to leave.
Otherwise, she could be sitting here, married 23 years, with a husband that just finished a year and a half long affair with a 25 year old co-worker. All because the warning signs were there, but I ignored them. And ignored some more. And hoped it would get better. And waited til the kids left home. And hoped it would improve. And begged for his help in fixing us. And waited. And am still waiting.
It wasn’t until I packed up and left that he made a change. I’ve moved back, but am I positive it’ll work? No. But I am willing to give 23 years one last try.
If he doesn’t respect your feelings today, chances are he won’t respect your feelings tomorrow or in 20 years.
I have been married for five years now and in May I found out that my husband was doing the same thing. He would leave messages like that and ask to meet up with them. At the time I was 8 months pregnant and really mad and hurt and upset. The thing is, my husband’s lame answer to “WHY?” was, “I didn’t think it was wrong, I wasn’t really going to meet them, it never came to that, I was just looking.” We have three kids, and my response to that was, “I will never look like those girls, I will never be like those girls, so if that is what you want then go get it and don’t come back.” He appologized for about three weeks. He didn’t understand how badly it upset me and hurt my feelings. I now have cut off his internet use. It is addicting and it hurts both of you. My advice. Don’t say yes to marrying him until he really understands how you feel and he makes the commitment to you, and only you. Don’t stay with him just for the kids. Let him know how seriously he has hurt you and get some counsling. My husband has since stopped and I check up on him all the time. Our computer is in our kitchen so I can see everthing, plus I put more parental saftey things on my computer. My husband does all our bills online so I have to check up on him to see if he is behaving. And he is behaving, I just have to work on the trust issues we have now. It can really hurt a good relationship. The internet is danderous and can really hurt people. I am so sorry, I know how you feel. Just tell him how you feel and how his actions have made you feel. If he truley loves you and respects you he will understand and he will want to change his ways. Honesty is the key.
Andrea’s last blog post..Mommy Poperotsy
Children or not, she should leave him. A situation like that only escalates, and if a person doesn’t understand that it is inappropriate behavior, what else is acceptable to them?
corrin’s last blog post..Heidi Montag must be high…
Run…run like a cat with its tail on fire. If there are children involved get a good lawyer and find some agreement on child support. There is something telling her not to trust him or else she would not be sending out a letter wanting advice. Listen to your heart. You know you deserve better.
Beeker’s last blog post..Are Men Like BBQ Sauce?
I’ve been thinking about this for several days. I suggest she look deep inside herself and determine what she can live with. Can she live with him talking to other women? Flirting with other women? Only she knows the answer she needs and I think maybe she just wants to hear from other woman that she is right and not crazy. I had someone in my life in the past who really convinced me I was nuts and nothing was going on, it was just me and my big imagination. Well not so, once I was out of that situation I can look back and see I made the right decision. Hopefully she will make the right decision for herself and children if she has any.
What is he doing wrong? The wandering eye is not the problem. The problem is that he doesn’t care how it affects you. And that’s serious. You aren’t being respected in this relationship. Please don’t sell yourself short. When/if you try to work through this with him, make sure you always bring it back to how you and your bond to him are hurt by his lack of respect for you (don’t let him turn it into whether the wandering eye is bad or not). Good luck!