You can read my previous posts here.
So today, I facebooked this:
Question: Do you think church can teach a beginner anything? Someone who really hasn’t ever gone? If so, how and if not, where can one go to learn more?
The first reply was from Marcia
GO. You will either hear what you are searching for or you won’t BUT a little more water will be added to the soil because somewhere along the way, SOMEONE planted a seed in you that you WANT to nourish.
Well, apparently there’s a drought happening here because I’m still not “getting it.” Honestly, I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m just not meant to ‘get it’, reckon? Although, I do feel like something is missing spiritually. I know that I want to believe and that I should believe. I also know that I still feel very uncomfortable when praying. VERY uncomfortable and well, I don’t know why. I wish I did though. Just when I feel like I’m making a small bit of progress, I regress.
I thought about attending church but 1) I have never really liked a traditional church…*yawn* and 2) I wouldn’t understand any of it because even after trying to learn about the bible and read it, I still don’t understand any of it. I feel like I’m a lost cause in a way. Even though I have this need & want, I can’t seem to make myself believe, completely. Someone mentioned bible studies or joining up with the womens worship night thingamajig but would that help at all?
I’ve been observing some interesting things for the past couple of months, like acceptance. While I know some people that are kind and say hey, etc, there are others who still don’t embrace another and even cast ‘looks’. These women are Christians. So I noticed that the most judgmental people I have seen lately, are church goers and believers. And keep in mind, I am an observer. I watch everyone. I hear a lot. I see a lot.
So here is my current theory. I’ve never really been judgmental. Yeah, sure I’ve perhaps said a thing or two about someone that I don’t care for but I’m pretty accepting to all those around me for who they are, what they believe, and how they live, even when others don’t like them. So I’m thinking that if I start to believe as much as some of these women (or people), then maybe I’ll start to judge others in a more critical way because they don’t go to church “live right” or whatever. And that’s so not me. I know what you’re saying..”that’s so stupid” and I agree I reckon. Maybe I’m just trying to find a reason why I’m so stupid when it comes to this and will find any reason to grasp on to.
The fact is, everyone is a little judgmental at times…I guess I hold the believers up to a higher standard because they are not supposed to judge AT ALL….which is why I’m picking on them but honestly, it’s not them, it’s all me. My weird belief system, that will continue to hold me back..until I die?
And that’s where I’m at today. So you tell me…am I ever gonna get it? Or should I let it go and just deal with what I am today?