Maybe I’m Meant to be Fat……

I was never a skinny girl.  I was a size 9 in high school and my friends were a 3 and 5.  I can remember our high school coach teasing me about my weight, saying that if I needed any extra pairs of jeans, he could bring me a pair of his but that they might be too small.   It was always something though.  Whether it was my red birthmark that covered my leg or my unpretty face, I always felt like I was sub-par at best.  But my weight, well that’s always been a mental struggle.   Did you know, for as long as I can remember, I have always pulled at my shirt?  I stretch it and when I walk or sit, I always pull it down and away from my stomach.  I do this every single day, even at home by myself or in front of my own husband and kids.  It’s become habit I guess.  And the only reason I think I have any type of muscle tone is that area, is because I constantly try to ‘suck it in’ no matter where I’m at or what I’m doing.  I clearly know that it’s not making a difference but I continue to do it…hoping.  And unless I’m really comfortable with you, I always try to eat a lot less at restaurants & gatherings.  Famous words that come out of my mouth are “I’m not hungry” even though I think I’m starving.   I don’t want to be ‘the fat girl’ who’s eating like a pig.   I avoid photos like the plague.  I get really down when I see that truett has taken photos of me without me knowing.  I can’t stand to even look at me.

My husband has never, ever said anything about my weight and has never made me feel like it bothers him, in fact, he says the opposite and tells me he likes me just the way I am.  That’s great and all but it’s crap.  I mean really?  I’m not blind.  I can see myself in the mirror and even I’m disgusted.  And yet as grossed out as I am, I do nothing.   What’s wrong with me?  I hate myself for not being disciplined enough.  I hate myself for not being motivated by my friends and even my own son.  I hate myself for being fat.   And the irony in it all, is that I don’t see others the way I see myself.  I truly don’t.  If you’re a big person, I honestly never give it any thought. I’ve always been great at seeing what’s inside.  One of my very few gifts I guess.   Why can’t I do that with myself?

I’m ashamed of myself.  I’m ashamed of my body but more importantly, ashamed of how I see myself.  I get so mad at me……

And the worst part, is when I see everyone around me losing weight and doing so good, it takes everything in me to smile and be happy for them.  Not because I’m jealous or because I’m not proud of them but because it makes me feel even more like a failure.  I don’t understand why I can’t force myself to exercise.  I can’t understand why it’s so hard to get that mentality of making myself better.   It frustrates me to no end to constantly think about my body, the scale, the fat rolls, the never ending disgust of trying on clothes.   I think some women are born successful with their talents, minds, face, & body, but me, well…… I’m beginning to think I’m just meant to be fat and I’m praying heavily for a bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

For the people who think they know me, but don’t.

Lori

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Comments

  1. 1

    Lori, my beautiful friend, please be kinder to yourself. You have exactly the body God gave you. Your body has made beautiful children. You are so much more than the number on your scale. I know because I am exactly like you. I think I weigh 125. I weigh 180. I’m surprised when I see my reflection in glass doors because I don’t think I look as big as I am. But we cannot hate ourselves. Life is too short. Sending you big hugs and much love.

  2. 2


    Carolyn says

    Try going gluten free a while. It may fall off. Also, have your A1c checked. You may be insulin resistant. Your body doesn’t know what to do with it. Otherwise, you are you, God made you unlike any other. That is something to celebrate! :))

  3. 3


    Cassie says

    No simple suggestions or flippant remarks from me as struggle with loathing my large body too. Thank you for being so very honest about your feelings, takes courage and you have that!

  4. 4


    Beate says

    This post breaks my heart. It’s the first post I’ve read of yours, and I did a quick perusal of your blog.
    You seem to be very intelligent and to care very well for your family. Cooking fabulous things for them to try. Making crafts with your kid and decorating his room. Stretching the budget where it needs to be stretched. The people who love you don’t care that you are the weight you are. You are the most beautiful thing in the world to your kid, and apparently your husband as well.
    We all have these days where we feel down on ourselves. But you are worth so much more than your outward appearance. W are most critical of our own selves.
    Prayers for you
    Beate

  5. 5


    Mary Beth Elderton says

    Wow. You just wrote the words that are in my own mind…not exactly the same issue, but the same thoughts.

  6. 6


    Lorrie says

    Lori,
    Are you in my head? This is the same stuff I having going through my head every single day of my life. I honestly thought I was the only one that felt this. Thank you for showing me that Im not alone. God bless you!!!

    Don’t give up. I haven’t.

    Lorrie

  7. 7


    Sunnie says

    Im a small girl, my mom is small too. I also have a low self esteem, I have small boobs, hardly no curves, I say I have a boy body sometimes. My mom in law can make me feel like having big boobs is what makes a woman. She once bragged to my daughter how when she was young, she was a size 3 with huge boobs. I want you to know that we all have issues with ourselves, Ive had ladies give me a hard time for being so small. You are a beautiful, smart and loving person.

  8. 8


    Marie in VA says

    Wow- this is so honest and well written. I too, struggle with my weight demons . As I’ve gotten older, I decided that this is who I am and I could let this get the best of me or let it consume me. I still have days that I hate my body – but not as many as I used to. I had a friend a long time ago tell me “if you can’t go thin, go rich”. What she meant was, make an effort to look your best whatever size you are. Please be kinder to yourself. Know your husband, children and friends love unconditionally you just the way you are.
    Lots of hugs for you!

  9. 9


    Melissa M. says

    Are you reading my mind? I feel that way also. It is even harder because I have 3 beautiful girls that I don’t want to be like me.
    I have tried exercise-only to be in so much pain that I cant move very well for a few days. I have tried every diet under the sun and usually fail.
    I avoid pictures, I buy clothing that will hide the fat and I get very uncomfortable when I am around my husbands family as they all will point out how much weight I have gained. Hugs to you.

  10. 10


    Lisa E. says

    Oh my goodness Lori! If I didn’t know better, I would believe that you had found a way to open up my brain and my heart and put it all into words. I have struggled with my weight all of my life as well and you just described how I have felt about it and about the people around me just exactly as I see it! I too have been blessed with a husband who loves me for who I am and tells me I am beautiful but, like you, I am not blind and am well aware of what the mirror says is true. I also have decided that I am “meant to be fat” and am learning to come to terms with it. I figure that as long as I do everything in my power to serve and honor God, He is not going to care what I look like on the outside. God bless you Lori!

  11. 11


    Nadene (aka: Ye Amazon Princess) says

    Dear Sweet Lori,
    I am 6 feet tall and weigh in at 250 lbs. I was 5’10” when I was 12 years old and never have been skinny. I was a size 16
    in high school and am now a size 22. I’ve always loved being tall, but not “a big girl.” Believe me, that took a little time
    changing. On top of that, I’m 63 years old and disabled — or as I say, “I’m old and crippled.” I use to be very active
    physically and socially; now I’m a recluse mostly. BUT — BIG BUT HERE — I am learning to accept myself and like
    myself just as I am. I have this little thing I do when I’m thinking negative thoughts about “me.” In my mind, I put up
    this imaginary STOP sign & say “NO.” We don’t go there. Then I remember how other people think of me, talk to me,
    love me. I am refusing to have bad thoughts about myself and I am learning to love myself by forgiving myself of things
    that I’ve done wrong. How do you do that, you ask? The same way you forgive anyone else. You just do it. It’s an act
    of choice — and yes, it does take time to change. But it’s like anything else, practice, practice. Just decide to be your
    friend and love you as you love anyone else. I do hope this helps — I’ll be praying & practicing with you — BIG HUGS – Ye Amazon Princess

  12. 12


    Lynette says

    Wow. I have never responded to any of your blogs in the past, But Reading this today, i thought I would be remiss if I do not share what I know. I fear coming off as a troll searching for people desperate, looking for the next quick fix on the Internet… Certainly not my intent but I found a diet through my sister-in-law that completely changed my life. I have never been a small girl either and for the first time in my life as an adult I’ve been able to get into a size 8-‘Think I somehow completely skipped over that size as a youth lol I have since gone on to share that with over 40 people people who have had similar success. There was no exercise mandatory however A 30 minute walk some days did speed my results. It is not expensive and because you are such an AMAZING chef, you would be able to rock this diet. Everyone’s comment are true- you are absolutely beautiful and amazing person. Just to have so much love sent ur way from your readers speaks volumes to your awesomeness. But you have to feel comfortable in your OWN skin, this is know all too well. If you’re interested in trying one last thing I will be more than glad to Walk u thru the entire process every step of the way as I have my friends and family. I know You don’t know me-just one of your readers aalllllll the way in Delaware that’s willing to lend a hand :) but what have u got to lose?? How about a POUND A DAY??? Seriously… Id love to be a part of your weight loss journey so you can blog all about it… i think you’d be pleasantly surprised. But in any case, even if you decline, I wish you all the best and hope you find peace of mind with this struggle. You are not alone!!!

  13. 15


    Kelly R. says

    Reading your post it was almost like you were inside my head! I find myself feeling the same way. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have just found out that I have an under active thyroid & from what I understand it is twice as hard to lose weight and you have to work twice as hard. Not what I was hoping to hear in the least! I feel your pain and frustration and I truly hope and pray that you will be able to be happy with your body whether or not you lose any weight or not. Thank you for being so open and candid, reading your post made me feel as if I’m not the only one with this struggle.

  14. 16


    Barbara Johnson says

    Lori Lori!! You are not meant to be fat!! No way.
    At 64 years old, I wasted too much time feeling just like you do. With pain from diabetes eating me alive, I’m finally learning how to think about myself and food differently. WHAT A RELIEF!!
    Please read Dr Furhrman’s book EAT TO LIVE. And THE HAPPINESS DIET byTyler Graham and Drew Ramsey. Follow those guideline and love your way back to health and happiness!! They will help you understand that food is good if you learn the chemistry and results of it in your body.
    You can get both books as a digital download instantly and read away!! Open your mind and your heart to goodness for yourself and enjoy your life as a thin person with good food all the time!! In the right amounts, and excellent nutrition!! Love yourself as you love others. ENJOY!!
    I’m just another large person out here with no connection to these authors. But I’m eternally grateful that they wrote them!!

    • 17


      Barbara Johnson says

      Hi Lori, I would love to follow your journey through eating to lose weight and feel good. I’m so moved by all the comments of compassion and good wishes and I know you are too!! I’m really struggling for my life (really) to feel better and be lighter!! So off we go, with many many others!, on a life saving journey into the world of learning to eat great tasting foods that we can LIVE with!! The very best of luck and my prayers go to all of us on this mission. Thank you so much for your blog!!! It is wonderful, as YOU certainly are!!

  15. 18


    Pam says

    i, too, get frustrated with myself when i can’t seem to continue with exercise. i start off just fine, but i never follow through. i got thyroid disease about 15-16 yrs ago, and i gained weight very rapidly until i finally got put on the right medication. one problem: it’s harder to take off weight when you’re hypothyroid. everyone says it can be done, but i feel so darn frustrated when it takes me half a year just to lose 7 lbs. could i maybe lose more if i forced myself to exercise? possibly, but i need energy to exercise, and exercise is supposed to give you energy…double-edged sword most days. my oldest daughter does the shirt-pulling, too….she gets frustrated with being a thick girl, and even though she exercises regularly at school (she had aerobics this year), she hasn’t been able to really lose weight. she and i are the same when it comes to buying clothes: we absolutely HATE it, because we think we look terrible in EVERYTHING. then there’s that thing where clothes for bigger gals are just ugly.

    i know it’s hard to have positive thoughts about yourself, i know, i’ve been there, too (still get negative thoughts from time to time), but i think you’re an awesome person….you have a lot of good qualities. try focusing on the positives and everything else will come into place. i still can’t believe your high school coach would be so rude and insensitive. a lot of what we hear in our teen years tend to stick with us. i was a size 9 in high school…oh, to be a size 9 again. more than likely never will, but i am going to focus on the fact that my doctor keeps telling me my blood pressure is good, good oxygen, heart sounds good, and i don’t have pre-diabetes/diabetes.

    anyways, i just wanted to let you know that i’m here to support you, and i will help in anyway that i can. i’m good at listening :)

  16. 19

    Oh, Lori. I don’t know what to say.

    I feel the same way you do. So I know all those emotions and all those thoughts…and there’s no quick fix nor is there a simple way out. And people will say test this, or start walking, or cut back on that, or drink more water…or WHATEVER. And. It. Doesn’t. Work. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t. I’m in the same boat…and I eat a little or a lot and it doesn’t matter, ever. It’s as though I am meant to be this size, no matter what I do. And I do things — and NOTHING CHANGES. I know there are people who don’t believe it, but it’s TRUE. I gained 6 pounds in FOUR WEEKS (more than I should if I were pregnant!) when I went on a diet to try to lower my cholesterol (and lose weight, hopefully). I ate veggies and fruit and yogurt and drank water and so on. I was so smug, walking into the doctor’s office to show him how great I had done, on my own…and I gained SIX POUNDS. In a month. The doctor didn’t know what to say nor put any thought into it and just said to keep doing what I was doing and said it would probably “turn around.” HUH? Not only should I have already LOST weight, but now I was UP SIX! Doctors just look at me and tell me to lose weight and exercise more. That’s it. No matter what I say or do or explain, that’s all I hear.

    So, yeah, I hear ya. And I’m with ya. *hugs*

  17. 20


    Wendy says

    Lori, there are a lot of us who feel like you do. It’s always an uphill battle. But it seems to be you are loved by many, many people for exactly who you are. I want to lose weight too. It just makes me mad that women are so defined by their size. I still want to do better, but it does make me mad! Being trim and slim is healthy, makes you able to do some things easier and probably makes you less self-conscious…good reasons to lose weight. I just hope you know that those are the things that change with weight loss, not the “you” people love or who you really are!! And you are a special gal to lots of people. I only know you from this blog, but the love you have for your family, your sense of humor and your love of God all bless me more than I can say.

  18. 21


    Sonya says

    Lori, I have loved your blog for quite awhile, but until I read your post today, I have never commented. Your hurt, sadness and anger have touched many people today. I too am overweight and don’t know why I don’t just do what I read and hear I should do. I do know though, that we have to learn to love ourselves first, just like you love your family. You are perfect to them and their unconditional love I hope can give you that same feeling about the wonderful person you truly seem to be. It’s not always about the outer person, but instead if you are heart-whole, which you definitely are. Please don’t hurt yourself any longer with these thoughts and blaming… God bless you!

  19. 22


    Dee says

    I don’t know you but when I see your picture I notice your smile and I think you’re a beautiful woman and someone I’m sure I’d like if I were to meet you in person.

    I too struggle with my weight and my mom use to tell me “you’d be a pretty girl if you’d lose weight” or when I’d walk by her she’d comment “gee, your ass is getting fat”. This coming from a woman who was just under 5 ft tall and wore a size 18. My husband also tells me he loves me the way I am and even though we’re both trying to lose weight he tells me he doesn’t want me to get too skinny. In the last 1 1/2 years he’s lost almost 90 lbs and I’ve lost 30.

  20. 23


    Lauralee Hensley says

    I’ve given up trying to lose weight. Every single (and I mean very single) time I’ve tried dieting and eating less, I’ve gotten physically ill. I mean ill, like pneumonia, other virus’, sinusitis, ear infections, and more. I think some of us have to eat more than others to get enough nutrition out of our foods even if we eat healthy foods to begin with, to stay healthy. I do take supplements to help me try and stay healthy, but I have a poor immune system. Yet, some supplements (certain vitamins mostly) can actually make you feel hungry too. I think various people have different set-points in their body, the weight their body doesn’t think it is starving at. I bet you end up creeping right back up to that weight number each and every time you stop dieting. I know I used to. I basically stay the same weight now, all the time, and though it’s overweight, it’s the weight I feel I’m at my best at. Less and I’m super tired and sickly. I think accepting ourselves for what we are is hard. I’m having a hard time right now accepting my face looking weird since I got hit with Bell’s Palsy April 8th. Yes, I got sick after I had been dieting once again for a couple of weeks. Always happened, and now I’m just not going to worry about that so much.

  21. 24


    Vicki says

    Wow! I love your openness and honesty here! You have described so clearly what goes on in the minds of all of us who struggle with our weight! You are such a sweet beautiful fun loving person and you know you are loved no matter what. The trick is loving yourself no matter what. That is sooo hard for us to do. I have discovered over the years, having lost and gained over and over, that no matter whether I am dieting and exercising, or eating anything and ignoring the scale, my mind is consumed by food. It is something I think I will always struggle with. I know God helps me, but it seems to always be there with me. So don’t be so hard on yourself friend. I am a shirt pulling, sucking in, self conscious girl too. Looks like we are not alone in this constant battle!

  22. 25

    Lori, it breaks my heart to read this. I hope you know I love you just the way you are… Miss you and hope to see you soon!

  23. 26


    Candi says

    You are not alone. 2 years ago our family went to Disney. I saw pictures of myself and decided enough is enough. I joined sparkpeople.com, registered for a 5k and never looked back. It took me 9 months to lose 30 lbs. I’ve maintained it for this long and now trying to lose another 30-50. No one can make a decision for you. If you aren’t happy, only you can make the changes. You have the power to do it, just do it.

  24. 27


    gina says

    Life is definitely too short to hate yourself…It is something I struggle with every single day. For some of us, we have to put more effort into feeling better about ourselves. I have never felt smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough in my eyes, It hurts, it really does. Then I started following a low carb diet since I was a total carb addict. I have lost weight easily enough & I am still losing & I dont really exercise all that much at all, unless I am playing with my toddler or doing something fun like playing tennis or shopping. I try to focus on being healthier because in the grand scheme of things being thin isnt everything. Like money doesnt buy happiness, neither does a thin body. Its the whole picture. It is also balance we should strive for in life.
    There is a way for you to feel better whether you lose weight or find a hobby you are really great at or even nothing. You can find a way to feel good about yourself by just changing the way you think. I know that I always feel better when I think of how lucky I am to have an amazing family and my 2.5 year son that I thought I would never be able to have, and the fact that i can see & hear & my legs work & I may be a little overweight, but I have so many other gifts that I have been blessed with in this life.
    I hope you can find a way to the light, it is there, dont give up.

  25. 28


    Sheena says

    This is SO timely. Lori, we are our worst critics and society/peers make it no easier… making it imperative that we instill compassion in our children. I’ve been having similar thoughts seeing everyone working out. For me, working out is all about feeling healthy and strong and not so much about weight loss. I’ve had a hard time being teased about my slender shape having hurtful remarks yelled at me for no reason. It goes both ways, “skinny” shaming hurts just as bad as fat shaming. Like your husband, Greg has always been supportive and encouraging and sometimes I piss him off with my nitpicking in the mirror. If it weren’t for his love of my body, I’d still be hiding underneath oversized hoodies. The food thing… I try to always finish my food so people don’t think I’m on a diet or something. Sometimes your surroundings can totally mind f*ck you and you need to surround yourself with support or you’ll never live up to your true potential. I know you know that and you have lots of support.

    Our bodies thrive and process foods differently. You just have to figure out what makes your body happy and you don’t have to starve and eat shrubbery while doing so, lol. You will be at peace with your body soon enough. Take one day at a time my dear and hug yourself. You are meant to be happy. It’s a journey. Some people are just better at hiding their insecurities. They struggle too.

  26. 29


    Jennae says

    Lori, it hurts my heart to read this, but I get it. I mean, I really GET it, because I was there not so long ago. And believe it or not, I finally figured out how to love myself as I was — before I lost the weight. Honestly, it’s so difficult, because everyone says fat is unattractive, and it’s not “healthy” to be fat, and a bunch of other stuff that’s just a load of crap. There’s nothing wrong with being fat. And once I surrounded myself with people and images and reinforced the idea that I was beautiful and loveable just as I am, I finally started to believe it. And this is why I get angry when people fat shame others online and make slick comments about people’s size. Lori, you are beautiful. Period.

    I don’t know if you’re on Instagram or if you use it much, but please follow this girl: http://instagram.com/honorcurves (warning: she sometimes posts foul language, but rarely) She is an AWESOME body positive role model and her constant positive affirmations have genuinely changed my life. No joke. And follow the #honormycurves hashtag on Instagram. It’s immensely helpful to see other women who are my size or larger loving themselves and feeling confident about who they are — not in spite of what they look like, but BECAUSE of what they look like. It’s taken me a long, long time to see myself as beautiful and feel confident in my body, but you know what? It’s the best love affair ever, and I will do all I can to help you get there too! Case in point: Today I posted photos in a bathing suit, something I NEVER would have done 2 years ago.