I’ve been laying on the sofa all day, watching sappy movies and eating chocolate covered raisins, and wondering, how did I get here. It’s been no secret that in the last three years or so, I have become somewhat changed, but wasn’t sure why. Today, I realized my why.
Being married since 16, and a mom since 17, my life has been consumed with cooking, diapers, cuts & scrapes, giggles, praise, discipline, homework, football, robotics, lots of tears, but lots of love. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I chased that cowboy 8 hours to south Texas, but that moment changed my life in so many more ways than I could ever imagine. And I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything else in the world. My purpose, has always been my husband and my boys. Always.
As I analyze the past three years, I can now see that it all began when my oldest son graduated. Having to see him as a man, treat him like a man and less like my little boy, was (and still is) one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. To not know what you’re son is doing, what choices he’s making, wondering if he misses us as much as we miss him. And then two years later, you go through all those same emotions with your middle son.
Looking back, I see now, some of the changes that took place within me and my heart. My faith was weakening, I was withdrawing myself from people I cared about and who cared about me, and began to crawl in this dark place within, thinking, what now……… I had this huge hole in my heart. My purpose was, all of the sudden, almost completely over with. At least that’s how I felt every single day. Everything I did for them and had become as a result of raising my two oldest boys, was over. They were grown men now with lives of their own to live. My life didn’t revolved around them anymore so I was left with wondering, what’s my purpose now?
Then, I watched Runaway Bride. Immediately I recognized the connection between her character and myself. In all these years of raising my boys, I really never knew who I was, what I liked, what I wanted to do because everything I did and was, was for them. Today, I realize, I still don’t. I’m not even sure what makes me passionate, excited, or happy because they did that for me. I don’t think I even know what my favorite color is because their favorite color was mine favorite color. They loved lemon cake and brownies so I loved lemon cake and brownies.
Even though I still have this handsome, witty, and very interesting 8 year old in my life, I constantly look forward to every text, every hug, and every story my oldest share with me. I still have a long time with my little man, and I’m grateful for that, but I’m also preparing to find my purpose because I know one day soon, he’ll grow up too.
I know where you’re coming from. My only is going to graduate this year. Already she doesn’t seem to need me the way she used to when she was little. I’m trying to look forward to having a lot of free time to find out what truly makes ME happy, but it’s scary. We’ll figure it out, though — eventually. And who knows, the figuring out could be lots of fun! :-)
I’m there right now and not dealing well. My oldest will be a high school senior next year but 18 half way through. She’s been working on getting her drivers license. That is stressful. I’m a mess. I also have an 11 year old. I, too, alway saw family as my purpose. Now suddenly that is coming to and end, so to speak. And it really stinks. I work full time but can’t imagine my life with grown babies.
I understand how hard it is to find your purpose in life. I was faced with this very tough challenge when I lost my only child, my wonderful son Ryan had passed, to then only a year and half latter lose my husband. I can say God is good all the times even in our darkest trials! I have been blessed finding my purpose as a volunteer 4-5 days a week at a local church working in there foodbank for the homeless. You will all get your vision, just be open to receive it and listen. God bless you all as you find your purpose!
I didn’t know this was coming either. A mother no longer, a wife no longer…who the heck am I??? Been working on the answer for a couple of years now, even being a grandparent doesn’t last. Still finding myself with the help on friends. Good luck, we can still make a difference!