I’ve been laying on the sofa all day, watching sappy movies and eating chocolate covered raisins, and wondering, how did I get here. It’s been no secret that in the last three years or so, I have become somewhat changed, but wasn’t sure why. Today, I realized my why.
Being married since 16, and a mom since 17, my life has been consumed with cooking, diapers, cuts & scrapes, giggles, praise, discipline, homework, football, robotics, lots of tears, but lots of love. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I chased that cowboy 8 hours to south Texas, but that moment changed my life in so many more ways than I could ever imagine. And I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything else in the world. My purpose, has always been my husband and my boys. Always.
As I analyze the past three years, I can now see that it all began when my oldest son graduated. Having to see him as a man, treat him like a man and less like my little boy, was (and still is) one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. To not know what you’re son is doing, what choices he’s making, wondering if he misses us as much as we miss him. And then two years later, you go through all those same emotions with your middle son.
Looking back, I see now, some of the changes that took place within me and my heart. My faith was weakening, I was withdrawing myself from people I cared about and who cared about me, and began to crawl in this dark place within, thinking, what now……… I had this huge hole in my heart. My purpose was, all of the sudden, almost completely over with. At least that’s how I felt every single day. Everything I did for them and had become as a result of raising my two oldest boys, was over. They were grown men now with lives of their own to live. My life didn’t revolved around them anymore so I was left with wondering, what’s my purpose now?
Then, I watched Runaway Bride. Immediately I recognized the connection between her character and myself. In all these years of raising my boys, I really never knew who I was, what I liked, what I wanted to do because everything I did and was, was for them. Today, I realize, I still don’t. I’m not even sure what makes me passionate, excited, or happy because they did that for me. I don’t think I even know what my favorite color is because their favorite color was mine favorite color. They loved lemon cake and brownies so I loved lemon cake and brownies.
Even though I still have this handsome, witty, and very interesting 8 year old in my life, I constantly look forward to every text, every hug, and every story my oldest share with me. I still have a long time with my little man, and I’m grateful for that, but I’m also preparing to find my purpose because I know one day soon, he’ll grow up too.