I often wonder what life would have been like had my real dad not been introduced to drugs-heroin. I’ll never know, especially since he started using at an early age. I also wonder why he started using, why anyone uses for that matter. I was asked on numerous occasions to experiment and declined, always. It didn’t matter if they pressured or made fun of me, I always said no, but he didn’t.
On his better days, he was a pretty cool guy. He loved to dance, sing, and be silly…just like me. The robot was his favorite dance. I remember that. I also remember the bad times. Isn’t it funny how you either block them out totally or it’s all you remember.
Prison life is a memory for me. I visited him many times in prison. He wasn’t always clean because everyone knows you can get drugs in prison but he wasn’t near as messed up as he would be living outside. I always called Prison his home. He was in and out for as long as I can remember so it was “normal” for me to see him like that. He would talk about God and how he would change his ways, but mostly how he missed the taste of oranges, the sunlight, and privacy. He would write me letters from Prison and every single letter he wrote had a drawing on the front of the envelope. I still have them.
Stealing was a common thing for him. He needed money for drugs and it didn’t matter that he was stealing my brother’s stereo or golf clubs or whatever, all that mattered was getting a few dollars to get his fix. Stealing is awful and stealing from family, your own son is even worse.
Too messed up to show up for his daughter’s wedding. Honestly, I don’t know why I asked him to walk me down the aisle anyways. I mean, I guess it’s what people do right? They ask their dad to give them away in marriage but mine was too high to show up. My brother walked me down the aisle that day. It should have been the man I call my dad these days but I asked my brother instead. I was young.
One time, for a very short time, I lived with him. I pretty much had free reign and could do whatever I wanted. I only have one memory of living with him though. Just got off the school bus and walked in the house. I remember seeing needles everywhere, which was not exactly normal. There were needles all the time but they were usually kept in his room. I remember looking around because I could hear whimpering of sorts. I walked down the hall and it was the first time I had ever actually seen him doing drugs. He had his arm strapped up and was shooting up heroin. I just turned around and walked outside. I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything. I’ve always known he has done drugs but seeing it first hand was different. I just sat there wondering why he does it, why he started doing it, and why he won’t quit.
I can only imagine the hold that drugs have on you, especially ones like heroin. I’ll admit that Dr. Pepper has that kind of hold on me and I don’t mean that to be funny. What I mean is that if soda can have that kind of grasp on me, I can understand how those drugs have consumed his life and while it’s not an excuse by any means, I can understand it. It’s important for me to understand because I know that it’s not how I would ever want to live. I don’t want to have anything to do with that kind of lifestyle, and that includes him not being a part of my life.
I could go and on and tell you horrible things I’ve seen and heard but it doesn’t matter. I chose a different path. I CHOSE a different path, for the better.
I just said no.
I was always the good girl in school. I was friends with thoose that did drugs but never was around them when the did them. They knew where I stood. I always wondered what would have had happened if I would have been asked. Would I have been strong enough to say NO? I love to dance and party and I think if I let it Alcohol “could” control my life. I mean I do like parties being the party planning professor and all. Life just isn’t always black and white. I have seen so many kids lives being ruined by the influential drugs. Foster kids would shown up at my house with burns on them and I wonder how anyone could do that to a child. I truly believe now more then ever if you don’t have the power to say no you will be saying goodbye at one point. Even if it doesn’t lead to overdose, it will lead to self distruction and family distruction. All end with the goodbyes to the life they once had. All so scary. I guess the thing we need to do is teach our kids that the choice is “No” or “goodbye to the life that you have right now”. After one hit it will never be the same.
Very inspiring. My first husband did drugs like this. He and I divorced after he was in prison. I was too afraid to divorce him before. He was a violent man! I thank God everyday I became pregnant a few months before he went in. Otherwise, I believe my life and my daughter’s would be extremely different. He stole from family, strangers, even churches to get his fix. I know there’s a few times he’s barely missed someone being home which could have been lethal-for someone! It didn’t matter where the money came from as long as it got him his next fix. He began with cocaine but soon graduated to heroin. He’s been in and out of prison since.
My story is a bit of a strange one. His mother filed for visitation when we split up 11+ years ago. The arrangement worked fine. Every other weekend at Ma’s house. Ma has lots of money and tries to buy love but I insisted on teaching better values than money buys anything. When we moved to Minnesota April of 2007, my former MIL ended up with custody of my daughter through a legal loophole. Tennessee court systems are very strange. There’s been no neglect, abuse or any improper conduct on my part as her mother but, she’s gotten temporary custody while I have NO visitation. (The judge seemed to think a civilized arrangement could be worked out). A little over a year later, my lawyer is still trying to get her attorney to agree to a trial date to finalize everything and hopefully get her back home.
I’ve often worried about how his lifestyle will impact her growing up. It seems you only hear the worst of stories. I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I read yours. My hope has always been my daughter would overcome her father’s lifestyle but my fear was she would follow his footsteps. I apologize for the lengthy comment but you’re story really touched a special place in my heart. Thank you for writing this. I’m sure it was hard but it has given me new hope and optimism for my 11 year old daughter’s future.
.-= Jennifer Clark´s last blog ..Yep…Fried Pie =-.
Lori, This post is VERY powerful. Thank you for sharing all this. I consider you one of my best friend’s… we share so much with each other, and I love being able to learn new things and understand each other on different levels. In reading this post… I couldn’t help but smile at the end when you wrote, “I CHOSE a different path, for the better.” You are such a strong, smart woman… and you are an amazing mother. The sad thing is… your father missed out on knowing the incredible woman you are. xoxo
This is a very powerful post. To lay bare this particular part of your life, to share it in the hopes that others might understand, shows great heart and strength of character.
I am sorry that you had to learn, see and experience all of this in your life – it shouldn’t be, but it is what it is, and you have chosen to make it mean something in your own life. Like you said you Chose a different path, thank goodness for that, since it was possible you could have chosen so much differently.
I cried as I read this, I did. I wanted to reach out and give you a hug and tell you how great it is you chose the path you are on now.
Thank you again, for sharing a piece of your life, with us.
It means more than you will ever know.
Words are hard to find to express what I felt reading this post. But I will try….
This is a very powerful post. To lay bare this particular part of your life, to share it in the hopes that others might understand, shows great heart and strength of character.
I am sorry that you had to learn, see and experience all of this in your life — it shouldn’t be, but it is what it is, and you have chosen to make it mean something in your own life. Like you said you Chose a different path, thank goodness for that, since it was possible you could have chosen so much differently.
I cried as I read this, I did. I wanted to reach out and give you a hug and tell you how great it is you chose the path you are on now.
Thank you again, for sharing a piece of your life, with us.
It means more than you will ever know.
.-= LiveLaughLoveCj´s last blog ..Walmart $500 GC Contest ~ OnthegoMommy =-.
Thanks for sharing that. I am sure it wasn’t easy. Good for you for choosing a different path in life.
Lori, Thanks for sharing. My dad’s drug of choice has always been beer and it’s bad. He did drugs in the past but now it will be alcohol that will ultimately kill him like it did his mother. Alcoholism was her documented cause of death. I chose to stop this pattern for me and my children and their children.
I had my grandfather walk me down the aisle. My dad understood. He understands but can’t do anything about it because it has such a hold on him. I have carried his burdens emotionally for years and I didn’t want to carry him on my special day but I did dance with him.
.-= Tanna´s last blog ..Get Organized For Back To School + Giveaway =-.
I understand when you say aren’t joking about your soda addiction. Caffeine and chocolate tell me I’ve made the right choice to avoid drugs and alcohol. I have addiction and mental illness in all corners of my family. The two, clearly, go hand in hand. I’m lucky that I don’t have any addicts for parents, yet I was told in no uncertain terms that my DNA carried a predisposition.
.-= Tina Kubala´s last blog ..Teaser Tuesday: The Shipping News =-.
Wow, Lori… that is just an unbelievable collection of memories for a little girl to carry around. My dad was a successful attorney who was a hopeless alcoholic. I wonder how our lives would have turned out had he been strong enough to turn away from drinking. In the end, his unhealthy lifestyle stole him from me. He died at the age of 56. I mourned that loss of the dad that could have been… not the dad that actually had been. I wonder if dads knew how much little girls need them, if they might have chosen differently. I guess we’ll never know.
.-= Sugar Jones´s last blog ..It’s a Small World =-.
Wow, what can I say about this.. growing up I was never introduce to drugs in school, I was blessed to be surrounded by people that were positive and went to church. I believe had I been introduced to drugs back then, I would have said NO, being that my brother was on drugs and I saw what it did to him and the family and the pain he would cause my mom and dad. He was in and out of jail/prison since the age of 15. But one thing I learned from his mistakes is like he told me- my failures are your success. He would say, I’m the oldest and I make mistakes so that you don’t have to. It sounded silly at the time, but it made me realize that he might have been right. Even though my brother did heroin, I always looked up to him because I know he was smart. He could have been a doctor, a lawyer, a professional golfer, anything he wanted to be. But the drugs got a hold of him and he didn’t know how to get himself out. Unfortunately, we were too naive to know what to do ourselves. I mean, unless you have money to send him to a rehab, what else can you do? So we did nothing. Unfortunately that fell on his kids later. They were the ones to suffer. Lori, I’m so sorry you had to see the things you did. That had to be devastating. But I’m glad you CHOSE to be different. Some kids that see their parents that way, also do drugs… So 3 cheers for you that you CHOSE to be different and thank GOD you did. Your stories on here about your family and kids have made you such a better person and you must be proud of that.
Wow…what a post! This post gives me hope. Not because I was exposed to drugs as a child or anything like that…but this post proves the CYCLE CAN BE BROKEN.
Great job!
I cannot imagine growing up like that. Sorry that you had to see you dad doing that.
Glad that you said no!
.-= Stacie Haight Connerty´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday — The Hairbow Queen =-.
i’m sorry you had to deal with your dad’s addiction and see it get a firm grip on him. the one thing about heroin, and why it’s so hard for anyone who starts it to quit, is it’s not like other drugs….this one goes straight to the brain: more neurological.
i grew up with family who had addictive personalities. wasn’t necessarily drugs, though yes, i guess alcohol is, but it was also gambling, then there’s the smoking, etc. it bypassed me and my son…hopefully my girls will not have any major addictions. the worse we have right now is soda. i wish i could stop :-/
.-= ciara´s last blog ..Road to College Part 2 =-.
This was very interesting. I think that drug abuse is very major issue in the world today. Many people are addicted to drugs or alcohol and not very many people are doing anything about it. This is why I think that the awareness of it must go up.