For those of you who aren’t familiar with my faith, you can read the beginning here and here. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about my feelings on this topic but a King of the Hill episode sparked it up again for me. I know, King of the Hill right? It’s the one where Bobby goes to a new church group who happen to be skaters but are rejoicing and praising the Lord all the time. Anyways, it brought a discussion between me and my husband. He’s a believer, always has been. He prays, he knows the bible, he has faith. I, on the other hand, am still trying to find my way, which seems to be taking longer that I thought it would Not that I knew how long it might take or would be a simple fix or anything. I guess I just thought I’d “get it” sooner than later.
It’s funny how far I have come though. From not believing and even almost hating the thought of it all to wanting it so bad…..after all, how could He allow such bad things to happen to people, my mom, to me. That’s how I thought anyways. I don’t think like that now but I do still have a hard time with believing. I was sitting around the other day thinking about all the people I’m surrounded by on and offline and it occurred to me that pretty much every single person I knew is a true believer, a follower of God. My very closest friends online are all close to Him. My “in real life’ friends have the same feelings and relationship. It makes think He’s trying to tell me something you know?
One of my old, very good friends always knew the right things to say that made me want to believe in God. She was one of the first people who really tried to help me understand, help me accept, and help me trust Him but I was still so damaged at that time. If only she hadn’t given up on me……..
Me and my husband; I asked why if he had any idea why it was so hard for me to believe. Why, if I really wanted to, would I have such a hard time accepting Him into my life. Keep in mind, this is a conversation that we’ve never had. He just looked at me and said, “Have you ever read the Bible Lori?”. I instantly said no of course ’cause I hadn’t. He said, “Well maybe you should.”. End of discussion for the most part. I immediately started crying. In fact, any time I’m spoken to about God, the bible or whatever, I start crying. What does that mean? I mean why does it make me cry like that!
Truth be told, I feel as though I’m damaged goods. I’ve experienced some things, seen some things I wish I hadn’t, and seen good people “go” when I don’t feel it was there time and I guess deep down I’m still mad…but mostly feel undeserving. I don’t mean that as a pity thing either. I mean, I truly don’t feel deserving some times, well, most times. Deserving of what you ask? I don’t know…of anything I suppose. Of some good things that happen to me, of Him, even of Love I reckon.
At this point, and maybe it’s the age, but I feel like I need to step it up. I need to try a little harder. I’m not ready for Jesus talk and I’m not ready for church or throwing my hands in the air yelling thank ya Jesus. I am, however, ready to read the bible. I have asked God for help previously and even though it is a slow process, I feel like he’s doing his part. He’s surrounding me with loving people who believe in Him, and me. I have no doubt that I’ll find my way. It may be next week, it may be next year but I will. I’m just thankful for the friends that have been honest with me and haven’t given up on me. I’m thankful for their patience with my self-doubt. I’m thankful to Him for introducing them to me and while I may have originally started blogging to make money, I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t part of His plan for me and my journey to find Him.
Happy Easter Everyone.