I’ve always been the strong one. Ask my mom or my brother. They know. But there are times when I buckle. Like now. My very very good friend Arianne has lost her baby, a feeling I know too well. The funny thing is, I’ve never really ever talked about my loss until today. I found myself feeling weak all of sudden, feeling the pain all over again, wishing I could do something so that Arianne didn’t have to feel that same pain.
I’ve miscarried 4 times, having two D&C’s and one of those losses being at around 14 weeks. Not even close to Arianne’s 18 weeks but still just far enough to love this butterfly growing inside me. I remember finding out about this pregnancy and my husband being so excited, hoping for a girl. I have this one memory of him standing around with the cowboys telling them names he had thought of, one of them being Thyme, a name that we all kept making fun of. I also remember the day I started bleeding and him telling me to lay down and just be still. He was cooking, tending after Tyler and Toby, and trying to make me smile but the pain got worse, the bleeding got worse. I needed to go to the bathroom but was scared to. I knew what was about to happen. I could feel it. I also was hoping, hoping that it wouldn’t happen and it would all be alright so I slowly made my way to the bathroom. I sat there with the sharp pain and then knew. I looked down and saw what looked like a butter bean. Saw this small something that I would never know whether I would have a daughter named Thyme or a son named Trace or Terry, or whatever T name he could come with. I was stunned, so so sad and shocked that it actually happened and in a state of panic, I flushed. Gawd, what had I done?…Flushing my own baby. I couldn’t even think straight. I walked out the bathroom sobbing and just looked at my husband. He knew.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this with you. Maybe it’s cause I never got it out. Maybe it’s cause I want people to know that you get through it and when it’s meant to happen, it will happen. 10 years, 4 miscarriages later, Truett is proof of that. It was such a long time ago that it happened but will always be a hole in my heart.
My heart goes out to you Arianne. I love you and pray that God holds you and heals you.