I’ve always been the strong one. Ask my mom or my brother. They know. But there are times when I buckle. Like now. My very very good friend Arianne has lost her baby, a feeling I know too well. The funny thing is, I’ve never really ever talked about my loss until today. I found myself feeling weak all of sudden, feeling the pain all over again, wishing I could do something so that Arianne didn’t have to feel that same pain.
I’ve miscarried 4 times, having two D&C’s and one of those losses being at around 14 weeks. Not even close to Arianne’s 18 weeks but still just far enough to love this butterfly growing inside me. I remember finding out about this pregnancy and my husband being so excited, hoping for a girl. I have this one memory of him standing around with the cowboys telling them names he had thought of, one of them being Thyme, a name that we all kept making fun of. I also remember the day I started bleeding and him telling me to lay down and just be still. He was cooking, tending after Tyler and Toby, and trying to make me smile but the pain got worse, the bleeding got worse. I needed to go to the bathroom but was scared to. I knew what was about to happen. I could feel it. I also was hoping, hoping that it wouldn’t happen and it would all be alright so I slowly made my way to the bathroom. I sat there with the sharp pain and then knew. I looked down and saw what looked like a butter bean. Saw this small something that I would never know whether I would have a daughter named Thyme or a son named Trace or Terry, or whatever T name he could come with. I was stunned, so so sad and shocked that it actually happened and in a state of panic, I flushed. Gawd, what had I done?…Flushing my own baby. I couldn’t even think straight. I walked out the bathroom sobbing and just looked at my husband. He knew.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this with you. Maybe it’s cause I never got it out. Maybe it’s cause I want people to know that you get through it and when it’s meant to happen, it will happen. 10 years, 4 miscarriages later, Truett is proof of that. It was such a long time ago that it happened but will always be a hole in my heart.
My heart goes out to you Arianne. I love you and pray that God holds you and heals you.
Cheryl@SomewhatCrunchy says
Oh, God bless you and your friend. I’m so glad you shared! I too flushed what was supposedly a blighted ovum. That haunted me a bit. I’m better now, but I still wish I’d had buried the remains. But when you’re in that moment, faced with it, you’re on autopilot.
Tara @ Deal Seeking Mom says
I’m sorry, Lori. I know that was probably really hard for you to admit, especially publicly. I hope that now you can start to heal what’s been hidden away inside all this time. (((HUGS)))
.-= Tara @ Deal Seeking Mom´s last blog ..Food Lion Deals Week of 1/6/10 =-.
Natalie says
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses and your friend’s loss. I know the heartache all too well myself, and it’s still very fresh. I had a miscarriage on December 4th and it hurts, I think about it daily. I pray your friend will find comfort, lots of hugs!
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..I’m such a girl! =-.
Amy says
My heart breaks for you. When I was younger, I thought, women get pregnant when they want to, and 9 months later they have beautiful babies. Only as an adult have I discovered the truth. Even so, I’ve known women who have miscarried, but never heard what they actually faced. Thank you for sharing the moment, as painful as it is. It helps us to understand.
I’ll keep you and Arianne in my prayers.
Amanda says
oh! this breaks my heart! You are so very strong to be able to share this! I’m sorry for your losses! I know it must be wrenching!
praying for you! {hugs}
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Feelin’ Feminine =-.
lisa aka thebeadgirl says
I know you don’t know me…but we share a lot of the same friends. I read your posts and laugh with you often. Today I felt your pain – and Arianne’s…and I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to quiet my spirit and pray. Pray for both you, woman I don’t really know…but woman I feel connected to none the less. Thank you for sharing. I know, the baring of your soul, the opening of your heart WILL indeed touch someone, and speak to THEIR heart. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being willing. Thank you for allowing yourself to be used.
~ lisa ~
Adventures In Babywearing says
Oh, this was like a punch in the gut. I am so sorry for your losses. And I am broken hearted for Arianne tonight.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Calling all angels =-.
Southern Fried Gal says
Lori, thank you for sharing your heart. I pray for healing and comfort for your friend as well as continued healing and peace for you.
Kerrie says
Such a hard thing to share. I don’t know what it’s like. I can only imagine. You and your friend are in my thoughts.
.-= Kerrie´s last blog ..Sanity Department Video: ‘Cados & Beans =-.
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says
It is SUCH a horrible agony to lose a baby. I am broken tonight for Arianne too. It is so terrible that she is enduring this pain again.
I am so sorry for your losses! So tragic.
I too lost a baby. I found out during an ultrasound. I was so nauseated that I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. It was a perfect pregnancy so far. But when I went for the ultrasound the baby had died. I had to wait two weeks until I miscarried.
I too didn’t know what to do in that moment of panic in the bathroom. I mean — what do you do? In a clot of blood, I saw my bean of a baby who had been decomposing for two weeks, and I too flushed the toilet. I didn’t know what to do — I mean should I have fished it out of the toilet and then what? What do you do then??? It is horrifying and haunting.
But our babies are in heaven. They are pain free and with God. And one day, I will get to hold my sweet child.
HUGS to you and to Arianne!!!
I am just so sorry that you had to endure so many losses!
.-= Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Leap Year movie with Matthew Goode =-.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) says
I too am destroyed tonight over the news of Arianne’s loss. But I can only imagine how it must bring back your pain. I can’t even imagine… 4 miscarriages… how cruel. I’m so relieved to hear that finally you were blessed with Truett.
When I was waiting to get pg (it took over 3 yrs), part of me was glad I’d never miscarried, but part of me thought at least I’d know my body could get pg. But I know that I was spared… as brutal as infertility is, the loss of a child is the ultimate in suffering.
Lucretia Pruitt says
Thanks for sharing it Lori.
I hadn’t read of Arianne’s loss until I saw this.
My heart is breaking for her.
It was a long, long time ago for me… and this made me cry. Some losses are forever losses.
(((hug)))
Love you my friend.
.-= Lucretia Pruitt´s last blog ..Just Breathe. =-.
fidget says
ive had multiple losses too and could feel my heart pounding in pain when I read about Arianne… no matter how far along you were when it happened, it ALWAYS sticks with you. I cant even imagine losing at 18 weeks, my first trimester losses nearly killed me with grief
.-= fidget´s last blog ..Bliss =-.
Tracy @ Hall of Fame Moms says
I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sure sharing your experience will help another women who is going through the same thing. Hugs!!
.-= Tracy @ Hall of Fame Moms´s last blog ..Win a FREE month of advertising here- $30 value! =-.
Charla says
Arianne is in my prayers! So sad!
Lori, thanks for sharing your experiences. My mother had a miscarriage before I was born, and my mother-in-law miscarried with twin boys at five months before my husband was born.
.-= Charla´s last blog ..Healthy Meals =-.
Sherry says
Thanks for sharing Lori. Sharing intimate and painful things isn’t easy and hopefully your post will help a new Mom in the future, and you feel better for sharing. My heart is with you and now your friend.. God Bless!
.-= Sherry´s last blog ..Oh the Competition =-.
rachel-asouthernfairytale says
Oh my sweet, sweet friend.
My heart just aches for your losses and for Arianne.
Thank you for sharing this, it will help someone, I know it.
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Challenging Myself =-.
kasandria says
Oh sweetie! My hear aches for you! Thank you for sharing this. I know it must have been hard for you. ((HUGS)) You are a wonderful mother, wife, friend, and blogger.
Kas
Lauralee Hensley says
I prayed that Arianne would feel comfort from God. I also prayed that she would have a healthy complete pregnancy the next time and have a wonderful living child from the next God given blessing.
tzigane says
thanks for sharing. i know that it probably took a lot of courage, as i rarely share mine for that reason. i don’t know arianne or you personally but have followed both blogs and was so heartbroken to hear of her loss. having been through similar loss, it makes the pain all to real again. i have been praying for arianne and her family and will continue to do so and also for you.
.-= tzigane´s last blog ..My Mom and her Grandbabies =-.
Petit Elefant says
Ug. I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for Ari. My little sister just lost her 5th baby at 20 weeks and it’s HEARTBREAKING, horrible, and sad. Thinking of you, and of Ari.
XO
Petit Elefant says
I’m thinking of you both, love you.
xo
To Kiss the Cook says
I know enough that I realize you don’t share things like this very often. But I’m so glad you did.
melissa stover says
when i miscarried i thought i was the only one who’d ever had to stare at that small form that was already resembling a baby and decide what to do. i wrapped it in a tissue and we buried it. for some reason that felt just as odd as flushing it did to you.
.-= melissa stover´s last blog ..How do you organize your photos? =-.
Martha Payne says
Very sad…I can’t even imagine. My own mother would have had 12 children if it weren’t for miscarriages. She ended up with 4 & said she would have kept trying for more if it weren’t for her doctors ordering her not to. I will pray for your friend, and my heart goes out to you.
.-= Martha Payne´s last blog ..PR OK =-.
LisaKai says
I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss and for yours as well. I had an early miscarriage with my first pregnancy and lost my 2nd daughter when she was born at 24 weeks and survived only 13 hours. It is a tragedy, no matter what gestation you are.
.-= LisaKai´s last blog ..Blah =-.
Sheena says
I am at a loss for words because nothing I can say can undo what’s already done. I cannot wrap my finger around the chain of sadness lately. My heart aches for everyone currently going through or reliving a storm. Thanks for sharing your story.
Sheena says
I am at a loss for words because nothing I can say can undo what’s already done. I cannot wrap my finger around the chain of sadness lately. My heart aches for everyone currently going through or reliving a storm. Thanks for sharing your story.
.-= Sheena´s last blog ..So What’s Next? =-.
chrystal says
Girl I had no idea! I’m so sorry for you both.
Talking about things always makes me feel better because then I find out that I’m not the only one who feels that way or has done whatever so I hope this has helped you heal.
Love ya girl!
valmg says
That must have been so hard for you. And poor Arianne.
Heaven has another angel.
.-= valmg´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – The One Where I Tell The Theater Manager I Bought 4 Tickets But Only Received 3 =-.
Robyns Online World says
I’m so sorry you had to go thru something so painful. I just can’t imagine {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
.-= Robyns Online World´s last blog ..The Skinnygirl Dish Book Review (giveaway) =-.
Jendi says
I only had 2 miscarriages and they were early. I believe it is necessary to grieve for the loss of life as if it were anyone else that died. It’s sad that so often we hide the fact that we miscarried. I’m glad you have become brave enough to share your story.
ConnieFoggles says
I’m so sad to read about Arianne and about you. Miscarriages are so hard. You lose a baby along with your wishes and dreams for what your baby would have been. What makes it even more difficult (at least for me) is how the medical community acts. For me, the term “spontaneous abortion” drove me crazy. I kept saying that I didn’t have an abortion. One time the doctor actually looked at me while I cried and didn’t even comfort me. I had 3 and am so happy to have our little blessing. This post is bound to help someone who hasn’t dealt with their miscarriage or needs it in the future (God forbid).
.-= ConnieFoggles´s last blog ..Everyone Loves To Dance CD Review And Giveaway =-.
Shirley Durko says
Dear Lori, I know the feeling of a hole in my heart as well. We lost our oldest son two years ago. He was forty four years old and died suddenly of a heart attack. That hole will never heal but God has sent so many things to comfort me. I can not imagine your and Arianne’s loss because you never got to know those precious children. I can not offer you an explanation of why this happens. It is a painful, horrible thing. Because satan is strong he can tell you things that are not true. My only advice is to lean on God, ask Him to send you comfort. Feel His arms around you and watch for angels that appear in some form and feel His comfort. I’m so glad that you have been so blessed to have 3 wonderful children and know that they will give you many joys. My love and prayers to all of you who have lost children. It doesn’t matter how “old” the child is, it still leaves a hole in your heart.
Sommer-Green and Clean Mom says
Lori, I am so sorry for your loss and Arianne. It’s good to share those feelings and sometimes they come out when we least expect it. We had a baby loss conversation on Twitter for #ecowed a few weeks back with Earth Mama Angel Baby and people were talking about this hole in their heart for the first time, years later with raw emotions. I do not represent Earth Mama Angel Baby but I have worked with them and they have a great site you might consider visiting: Healing Hearts Baby Loss http://ow.ly/DyFV
Sommer
.-= Sommer-Green and Clean Mom´s last blog ..Food Prep BPA Free Style: Ninja Master Prep Review =-.
ClassyMommy says
Lori – I am so sorry about this awful loss for you. I’ve also had a miscarriage and I understand. I remember after my 1st miscarriage (which would have been Baby #1) being heartbroken and my Mom telling me that saying sorry just doesn’t help at all – as she too had been in my position many times. It is the loss of a hope and a dream, and those who have not lost it don’t quite understand. Like you, I also flushed in my moment of panic and then was also horrified. And felt terrible not sure if it had been the right thing to do or not, but I just did it and it was already over. I can remember it so well. I was not nearly as pregnant as you – only 10 weeks but it was enough to know and see the hope that was my 1st child just like you. Thinking of you and our wonderful friend Arianne. Love, Col
.-= ClassyMommy´s last blog ..My Gingerbread Babies =-.
Barb says
What a hard post for you to write. I lost a baby in between the boys and had a D&C at 13 weeks. It is so hard and something you never really get over. Hugs.
.-= Barb´s last blog ..Sample PR Pitches to Bloggers =-.
Laurie says
Hugs to you Lori, and thank you for sharing. I had a 12 week loss and I too flushed what was left of my poor little angel. I didn’t know what else to do. I hope this post offers you a little catharsis for the experience, I know it’s helping me to read it.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Step by Step Daycare Dropoff =-.
Elizabeth says
oh, sweetie. I’m sure it was hard to write this post. My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum that required a D&C, we hadn’t been planning to get pregnant. But when we realized how devastated we were, how much we had been wanting that baby, we knew we really did want to be parents. I think about it whenever I read a story like yours. Sending you big virtual hugs.
Victoria says
Dear Lori, thank you so much for sharing your intensely personal and deeply moving story. As someone who has had her sister lose a baby, I have seen firsthand how deeply it touches everyone inside. You have comforted a lot of people through these words and I will keep Arianne in my thoughts.
Lisa says
I’ve been there too. What I learned by talking about it was that so many women have been through it and nobody talks about. Thanks for letting us into your person life.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Stein Mart Printable Coupons =-.
Janie says
I too was caught offgaurd with my first loss and flushed. What a horrid feeling.
I have since lost 4 more and am still trying although this past weekend I as soooo low having problems with bleeding due to meds they have put me on and feeling altogether defeated I considered quitting for the first time ever.
Que Sera. Thanks for sharing, it really does help talking to others who have been there xx